Birthday Note

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:37-39
Thanking the Lord for a new year, a new beginning, a new perspective and the unchanging eternal truth that NOTHING can separate me from the love of my Heavenly Father!
Thanking my parents for the way they have brought me up, for the examples of godly living they have set for me, for standing with me and propping me up through everything the past year has taken me through, for having faith in me even when I didn't think I could go on, and for always encouraging me to fix my eyes on the Eternal.
Thanking my brother, your smile lights up my day, your song makes my heart sing and your constant love that reminds me that there is a day coming, when everything will be right in this world again.
Thanking all my friends who've wished me and the ones who've forgotten... I love you all anyway! :)

A Prayer from My Heart

This is something I read today at work, while I was going through a little book called "Prayers From The Heart". My new job is not really busy and so I end up with a lot of free spaces of time where I end up studying, playing card games, listening to music and generally trying not to get too frustrated with the "un-work" that is my new job (yeah, not really working makes me crazy coz I'm weird that way!). Of late I've decided that on days when I can't coax my mind to do heavy medical studying, I will instead read light Bible-study material (that's an oxymoron in itself coz the Bible is probably THE most profound book I've come across). That's working out to be a good idea so far, because usually nowadays when I'm on the verge of snapping at someone for no apparent reason (frustration, remember?), I end up reading something that totally turns my day upside down.
Today it was this prayer. The background verse is from Exodus 4:11 "Who made a person's mouth? And who makes someone deaf or not able to speak? Or who gives a person sight, or blindness? It is I, the Lord."

Ah, Lord God!

How many times I forget that You are in control. I become so absorbed in my own struggles, my own joys, my own projects and my own schedule, that when another commitment or problem crosses my path I only wonder how 'I' am going to handle it.

When I turn my eyes inward, Lord, I lose sight of Your power, Your greatness, Your sovereignty, Your timing in every situation. I forget that those things I perceive as struggles are the very things that make me grow. When I focus on my abilities, I come away feeling inadequate. When I focus on Your abilities, I come away feeling strong. Only in Your strength can I understand another person's needs, sense someone else's hurt, or love another by listening. Help me to bear in mind that when I turn my heart to my own selfishness, I am of no use to anyone, not even myself.

Forgive me, Lord, for forgetting that You are in charge. Keep me focussed on You today, more than on myself. Thank You for giving me Your wisdom to guide me and Your strength to help me follow Your way. Help me to be a blessing to others and pleasing in Your eyes.

Amen.

Ring Out the Old, Ring In the New!

This poem by Lord Alfred Tennyson speaks to me about a time of transition. About how, whether I like it or not, life changes, nothing stays constant and no matter how hard I try to hold on to some things, they slip out of my hands anyway, and are gone. The only thing that I can do (not easily though) in situations like these, are to let go and pray that the One who holds my tomorrows, will give me the grace to carry on.

That's the phase of life that I'm at now... So many transitions....

Old loves ripped away and large raw areas left behind that are still bleeding from that shearing force. Then there are the good changes, the most important being the opportunity to be with my family after 8 years of a "prodigal's" life...

This post really is just to herald that transition, to celebrate (with a lot of mixed emotions) the ringing out of the old and the ringing in of the new.

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,

The flying cloud, the frosty light;

The year is dying in the night;

Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,

Ring, happy bells, across the snow:

The year is going, let him go;

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

Ring out the grief that saps the mind,

For those that here we see no more,

Ring out the feud of rich and poor,

Ring in redress to all mankind.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,

And ancient forms of party strife;

Ring in the nobler modes of life,

With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care the sin,

The faithless coldness of the times;

Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes,

But ring the fuller minstrel in.

Ring out false pride in place and blood,

The civic slander and the spite;

Ring in the love of truth and right,

Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease,

Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;

Ring out the thousand wars of old,

Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free,

The larger heart, the kindlier hand;

Ring out the darkness of the land,

Ring in the Christ that is to be. 

"If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old things are passed away; behold, all things have become new." - 2 Corinthians 5:17

The Race

It seems as though each day is passing by in a haze. One day merges so well into the other that I can’t quite figure out when one day ends and the next day begins. Each passing day brings me closer to doom.

Moods of gloom. The unbearable weight of expectations.

Flying, soaring one minute and then plummeting headfirst into a bottomless pit the next. When will this cycle end?

I’ve been told time and again that in this profession, the cycle goes on and on.

The race never ends. You may fool yourself into believing that at a certain point you have arrived but the destination is infinity, which essentially means that one never arrives. There’s always a new hurdle to cross, a new hoop to jump through.

At every milestone, the distance left to travel only gets longer. The end-point only gets further and further away. And I have no choice but to keep running…

Behene De...

Today, she cried. 

And I could do nothing about it. 

Nothing, except wrap her up in my arms and lay still 

While she wept like her heart would break. 

Feeling her breath on my neck, 

As the choked sobs escaped her throat, 

Tasting the salt from her tears 

Until they felt like they were my own. 

Wishing I could absorb some of her pain. 

Willing away the demons that tormented her. 

Waiting for the tide to ebb. 

We just lay there, limbs entwined. 

As she cried…

All Over Again...

When I needed you the most, I searched for you. But I did not find you.

When my heart was breaking into a thousand million pieces, I wanted you to be the one to fix all those bits back together. But you just weren’t there.

I don’t know in what moment of insanity I thought I could count on you, to be the one who would hold my heart in your hands and keep it safe.

I can’t remember who the devils were who possessed me when I promised you my life, my love, my all.

Because you were, then, as you are, now; self absorbed, self involved.


They say love is tender, love is kind, it is never haughty or selfish or rude.

So I asked the question, is this really what it means to be loved?

Why say things when you’re just going to regret them, the second they’re out of your mouth? So I held my peace.

I just wish you had.

And so this is goodbye. Again...


There are a million things I want to say, but can’t.

A million places I want to run away to so I can escape the sound of your voice and the touch of your hand, but I can’t.

The cords that bound me to you then, even today, draw me back. Sometimes, even like a noose. The cords of love.

And so, even though my intelligence and every fibre of sensibility in my being coax me to say goodbye, I don’t.

I say nothing at all. I just stand here, and wait. Again...

Happy Birthday Sammy!

Samuel Ashish Marcus is my one and only brother, and the light of my life. He is THE most special person I know.

Now, I’m not saying this just because he’s my brother, or because it’s his birthday and it’s required of me to say something sentimental about him; but because that is one of the truest statements I have ever made. He is one of the few people I know that have gone through so much in life and still managed to keep the smile on his face and still continue to bring pure joy to the people around him.

My brother is Autistic…

Before the releases of movies like Forrest Gump and My Name Is Khan, almost every non-medical person (and even some medicos) I shared this with would go, “Huh? Say, what?” but now, thanks to cinema and Tom Hanks and Shahrukh Khan, everyone knows what Asperger’s syndrome and Autism are. What Taare Zameen Par did for Dyslexia, MNIK did for Autism.
But what they don’t know is that almost none of these lovely people have the opportunity to save the world like Rizwan Khan did, or become a super duper rich person entrepreneur with a beautiful wife that he loved, like Forrest did. Most of them just go through their entire life undiagnosed, unrecognized, labelled as “retards” and antisocial entities. Their parents have no idea what to do with them, how to cross the communication barrier, how to get in touch with their concept of reality. Because no one knows! The thought makes me weep.

I thank God every day, for the amazing people He put in our lives, who helped my parents recognize and acknowledge early on, that Sammy was different. That led us to seek help in the form of Dr. M.C. Matthew who was then in Chennai and then later shifted base to CMC, Vellore. God brought people into our lives at every corner of the road. People, who supported us, stood with us and most importantly encouraged us and Sammy every step of the way.

My brother has come a long way today. From the toddler; who ran out of the front gate before any of us realised he could walk, who used to endlessly spin in circles and wore holes in all his pullovers and jeans because he believed that the best way to get from one place to other was to crawl, and who communicated with cries and sounds. From the 5-7 year old who used to cycle around the whole campus for hours together, throw stones and spit randomly at people sometimes. From the preteen who broke his two front teeth on the floor and shattered the glass of a low-lying shelf coz he was trying to swim across the living room floor on a pillow. From the awkward teenager who won singing awards for his school but had no idea about voice control and how to hold a guitar leave alone play it and who found himself in a schoolroom with children half his age and IQ.

Sammy is 23 years old today. He is doing his first year Bachelor of Music from New Life College in Bangalore. He has self taught and more or less mastered the guitar and is taking lessons for piano (Grade V, Trinity College). He has won countless awards for his music and has been a resource person as well as role model for 2-3 Autism conferences already. He has solid and real conversations with his family and friends everyday. He loves his music, his family, his dog, his teachers, his friends and above all, his God… When he plays his music, people say they hear the angels sing :)

Sure he’s not perfect. He still has difficulties communicating and socialising with his peers, he takes time adjusting to new places and if he’s in a crowd you may pick up on some of his idiosyncrasies and wonder why. But hey… that sounds like a lot of us “normal” people anyway. It just shows that he has more to learn and a lot more to grow… He always uses the words of his favourite song to explain this:

“He’s still working on me,

To make me what I ought to be,
It took Him just a week to make the moon and the stars,
The Sun and the Earth and Jupiter and Mars;
How loving and patient He must be,
He’s still working on me.”

On this day, his 23rd birthday, I’d like to thank my brother for what he means to me and for how much he has taught me about life, and love, and joy and just being a grateful person. I love you Sammy, Happy Birthday!

P.S. My mom tells me that we should get together and write a book on his life someday, just to encourage other similar families on their journey… We will, so look out for that :)